smthng

I am searching for something that doesn’t exist

a secret that lives somewhere between
dusk and “I miss you”

hidden in that small voice in the back of your head
that whispers “you’re missing something” or
“what have you forgotten?”

an unexplored part of the pacific or the atlantic
or something in between I never could fathom –
maybe it says “you’re getting colder”

a memory (or was it a dream?) about that time
you gave me some small part of you
but I can’t find it now
and I’m looking in all the places you told me to put it

I am searching for something that doesn’t exist
because I swear there has to be something else

some innuendo dripping in ink still wet
spelling out all the ways I failed you
or maybe

after every wretched moment

there really is nothing at all

Rosebush

There is nothing kind about pretending to love someone
long after you’ve forgotten what their voice sounds like
on sleepy, coffee-scented Sunday mornings.

There is nothing authentic about excuses dripping in guilt.

You know this.

Yet somehow, you’ve decided the rosebush blooming next to your door,
the one that caresses your doorstep with blood-red petals
even when it hurts to let them fall,
is inconvenient.

“The thorns hurt,” you say, but you haven’t seen the thorns in years.

What really hurts is knowing that you planted the rosebush there –
lifetimes ago, it seems –
but now you can’t bear to look at it

because it reminds you of the time you almost died.

The Runway Walk Out of My Life

I watched you walk out the door, the clicking of the lock behind you
sounding a lot like the word “goodbye” dripping from your lips.
It felt like a punch in the mouth and tasted a lot like betrayal,
but somehow an apology wasn’t worth the postage.

Please Love Me More

Breathless icicles chiseled their way into her heart
as she dug through memories and sand trying to find
a tattered photograph of souls.

Please love me more.

They eternally stood in the rain together, rain tracing away
tears and black and white lifelessness. They laughed and held
each other like nothing could possibly change.

Please love me more.

He spoke the words into her mouth and she suddenly realized
she didn’t need the picture of happiness
when she could create it with him.

Please love me more.

They exhaled together, lighting the heady darkness
again.